


Be My Mistake

by risingtides



Series: Be My Mistake [1]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, New Jersey Devils, Philadelphia Flyers, Sad Ending, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-02 22:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16795870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/risingtides/pseuds/risingtides
Summary: So don't wait outside my hotel room





	Be My Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn't really proofread at all because I'm lazy sometimes. Also I'm sorry that this is sad. x

Nolan sat at the foot of the bed, naked back facing Nico who was sat up against the headboard, under the sheets, a lit cigarette sitting between his fingers. He didn’t start smoking until after he met Nolan. He knew it was shit and it would most likely, eventually, effect his stamina on the ice, but he needed something to focus on that wouldn’t make him incoherent – that knocked drugs or booze out.

He knew how this was going to end; it was always the same. Every time he thought it would be different: that Nolan would stay, would finally just tell him that he wanted him in the same way Nico wanted him. They would figure out a way for this to work, despite the distance and travel for their respective teams. Despite the whole, “I won’t really see you eight months out of the year except for on the ice, and during that time I have to pretend like I hate your fucking guts.”

Nico knew he shouldn’t have come, shouldn’t have met Nolan in this shady hotel room after their game in Philadelphia, but every time he calls Nico finds it increasingly hard to say no. And with each encounter, his heart grows fonder of Nolan, even when he knows, at this point, their meetings are cyclical.

They’ll fuck for hours. It’s always so good, he can’t deny that. It definitely makes things worse, his feelings more complicated.

Then they’ll talk for hours. About everything.

Life, family, hopes, dreams, fears – Nico’s sure he could read Nolan like a book for the rest of his life and he would never grow bored. He fantasizes about one day, maybe becoming a part of it, more than just a hookup. More than a friend, or whatever Nolan wanted to call him. He wasn’t so sure anymore.

This is the sixth time they’ve been together now. It started about four months ago after being friends for God knows how long. They were drunk and horny at a party, just hanging out before the season got underway, and one thing led to another and now Nico is stuck with these feelings he can’t get rid of.

When Nolan’s not here, it consumes his brain. He finds himself checking Nolan’s social media often for even the most miniscule of things, like a story view or Instagram message. It was silly and completely childish but Nico couldn’t help himself. They hardly spoke except for the occasional text Nico sent to check up on Nolan after a bad loss or if he was having a rough week and he just wanted someone to talk to. The first person on his mind – Nolan.

Nico feels the tears start to well up in his eyes again, pulling on the cigarette again and blowing smoke into the open room. He can’t help but feel sorry for himself, disappointed because he’s struggled with love for years and the moment he thinks finally, this time, someone may be it for him, it is anything but.

Nolan glances back at him; maybe he sensed his sadness, or maybe he heard the sound of smoke being exhaled from his lungs. He frowns, noticing the tears in the dim light of the room, “Don’t be sad, please.”

He hurries to wipe the tears away, letting the cigarette hang between his lips as his only defense, to make it seem like he didn’t care as much as he did. “I’m sorry, I can’t help it.” He mumbles, puffing out more smoke, letting it surround them. Nolan hasn’t said anything about this new habit, who knows he’s never been a smoker. It bothers him that he hasn’t asked.

“Why are you sad?” Nolan asks, turning his body to face Nico. Nico wished he would leave, but that would be a lie.

“You’re just gonna leave. Again.” Nico mumbles, unashamed, letting a tear roll down his face. He brings the cigarette between his fingers again, tapping it on the bedside table (that lacked an ashtray). He doesn’t want to, _can’t_ look at Nolan without getting upset. It was frustrating – he can’t believe he let himself fall in love with _him_.

With someone so…unavailable. Emotionally. Mentally. It was exhausting. But it didn’t keep Nico from loving him.

Nolan’s breath catches in his throat, unsure of what to say in response. He pauses, knowing that nothing he says will bring Nico comfort. The silence hangs heavy in the air with the haze of the smoke, Nolan staring down at his own bare thighs. He’s pulled on his boxers again; he had to go soon, the team was getting ready to head to Calgary for their next matchup in a few days. He sees his phone screen light up and it’s Giroux texting him angrily, wondering where he is. He locks his screen.

“I’m sorry, you know,” Nolan looks up, seeing Nico staring out the window at the city. He’s trying to read his eyes, figure out what he’s thinking, but lately he hasn’t been able to. Nolan knows what he’s doing is fucked up, he knows he should be available for Nico because, fuck, he likes the kid, but there’s just too many things going on right now, “I just…”

“You don’t have to apologize, Nol, I know, I get it,” he puts the cigarette out on the nightstand, not caring if they got charged for the burnt wood, “It’s not gonna change the way I feel, though. You know that. You know how I feel about you.”

Nolan nods slowly, pressing his lips together and running a hand through his hair. He looks back down at his phone, this time with two missed phone calls from Claude, along with a voicemail that, if he were to guess, is pretty angry. He has to leave. He doesn’t want to because, fuck, he hates this part. Leaving Nico, knowing he’s sad, and Nolan is sad too, but he just… can’t be with someone.

Not with everything that’s happened in the past in his relationships, not when he’s not even out to his own team, despite Nico being very proudly out in the NHL. He’s the right person, but it’s the wrong time.

Nolan stands and proceeds to get dressed, Nico motionless on the bed as he lets the smoke filter out of the room, the nicotine high wearing off in his head, watching the other man get ready to leave. This part was the worst; after the smiles, the laughs, the love they make, it always ends in heartbreak.

When he’s fully dressed, Nolan makes a phone call. Nico can hear the Flyers captain practically screaming through the phone, wondering where the forward is, and all Nolan tells him is he had “something important to do”, he’ll “be there soon”, and he’s sorry. Once he hangs up, he makes eye contact with Nico, who had been staring off into space as Nolan spoke, trying to memorize his voice because he didn’t know when he would see him next.

“You should go, Giroux sounds pissed,” gesturing to the phone in Nolan’s hand. Nolan just nods, shoving the phone in his coat pocket.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Nolan murmurs regretfully, looking around the room to make sure he hadn’t left anything behind before his eyes landed back on Nico, “I’ll see you… sometime.”

It was the same every time. _Sometime_. Like the possibility was there, but not certain. Nico knows he doesn’t mean to say it like that, but saying there would definitely be a next time was still too much commitment for Nolan.

“Sometime, yeah,” Nico breathes, nodding.

Nolan walks over slowly to the bed, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to Nico’s head. Nico closes his eyes shut, trying to hold on to the warmth Nolan brought everywhere he went, even right now, his hand on his shoulder and lips on his head as they were forced to separate again.

All too soon, Nolan pulls away and he feels like the cold is suffocating him. With an awkward wave, Nolan is out the door and Nico is alone.

This time, once the door is closed, he allows himself the tears. It’s an ugly cry, tears and snot and wrecked, hiccupped sobs. He goes on like this for what feels like hours, clutching at his chest to try and hold together his broken heart.

Once he’s finally stopped crying, Nico gets up and goes to the bathroom. He stares at his red, swollen face and immediately feels pathetic. After splashing cold water on his face, he looks in the mirror again.

He stares at his reflection and reflects.

He remembers how it feels, having Nolan’s body pressed against his own, moving as one, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. He remembers how Nico has seen the deepest, darkest parts of Nolan, has seen him cry, has seen him so angry he thought he was going to get hurt, but none of it was ever directed at Nico. He remembers holding Nolan close, peppering him in sweet kisses. He remembers seeing Nolan sit up one morning as the sun began to rise, sunlight breaking through the blinds and engulfing him in gentle morning light and Nico still swears to this day it was one of the most beautiful things he has ever seen.

He’ll remember every single moment and wait for him to come back.

-

Nico gathers himself up soon after, dressing quickly and leaving the hotel room behind with the click of the door. He Ubers back to the team’s hotel in a much nicer area of the city. It’s so late and he’s alone so the driver has no idea about who he is or why he’s being dropped off at this upscale hotel. He tips the driver extra and finds his way back to his room. Hall was dead asleep in the queen-sized bed that Hischier would proceed to slip quietly into and drift off to sleep.

When they wake up the next morning to drive back to Jersey, Taylor doesn’t ask where Nico was because, chances are, he already has an idea. He knows about Nolan but doesn’t ask because Nico would rather not talk about it, at least not right now. Just by his body language, Hall can tell it didn’t go well (but did it ever)? They board the bus and the drive is quiet. He checks his phone periodically, mostly to check for messages from Nolan, but comes up empty-handed.

It isn’t until Nico gets into his apartment that he sees his phone light up – _Nolan Patrick_

He opens it.

_Thank you. Miss you already. X_

Nico thinks it would be better if he didn’t reply.


End file.
